Monday, February 07, 2005

I'm not sure why I called this site Genesis. Exodus would probably have been a better description. A trip through time. A journey from the beginning with no end. Every day it is harder not to cry. My mother is dying and the truth of the matter is setting in. She has been fighting for every minute since her breaking her back in that rehab facility. I knew it would not be many years since I brought her home last December from the nursing home. (a different one than she fell in) But I really thought it would more than what we're getting. I am glad for this time though. I really disliked my mother growing up. We were never close and my family were the enemy. But isn't that true for most teenagers? At least not for mine. If I didn't teach them anything, I managed to let them know how much they are loved. Unconditionally.

Since moving to Florida my mother had become my best friend. We spent a lot of time together shopping, eating, and just enjoying each other's company. Now it is so hard. She is in a trance like state a good bit of the time. She tells me she is staring at herself. I know it won't be long. She says she is tired. She could live longer if she chose to. But she has refused to take her meds for heart problems. It is a complicated relationship between her meds. One affects how much of another she needs to take. It is now just a matter of time for her body to finish shutting down. I get angry and frustrated. I yell at her to try. Or at least I was. Now I sit and hold her hand and I cry as I watch the life and fire dwindle in her eyes. I pray each day for the Lord to change me to what he wants be to be for her. Kind, compassionate, caring, and calm. Patience is a virtue. Less than three weeks ago she feed herself, talk, and use her hands to hold her own drinks. Then BAM! Overnight she can't do anything. I have to feed her and hold her cups for her to drink. I tried to exercise her arms. She yelled at me for hurting her. One day at a time. To love, to think, to hold, to care. My outlook on life is definitely changing. How I look at people, and what I expect from people is changing. So many things to learn. So much taken for granted. I am finally getting what the Lord wants me to learn. What is and isn't important. Thank you Lord for loving me. Thank you for approving of me just the way I am. Thank you for your strength, courage, wisdom, and discernment. Thank you for blessing me and each member of my family. Thank you for keeping us firmly planted upon your path. Thank you for protecting us and watching over us. Thank you for feeding us and providing abundantly to us. Thank you most of all for your son Jesus who saved us. Amen.
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