Tuesday, February 22, 2005

sacrifice

Sacrifice. What is it? Everyone keeps telling me I should be proud for everything I sacrificed for my mother. I did nothing but love her and as far as I am concerned I fell terribly short of all I could have done. But then aren't we our own worse critics?

I miss her. It's funny, Sammie our Dachsund, whenever something is out of place, he will leave us a present. I had moved the electric wheelchair out of mom's room (which he slept in) and he is now leaving us presents where it used to be. We once had a friend of our's son stay with us for a week. Sammie left presents next to the sofa all week. Once he left he stopped. So my hubby says we should put the chair back. We'll see.

I didn't get much housework done the last few weeks before she left. I'm not now either. I keep coming up with little projects to keep my mind busy. So I guess the house can wait.

Well my brother and I can't seem to find any common ground. As far as I can remember, we never could. I don't know why. We just can't seem to treat each other with any respect. I pray the Lord will intervene on our behalf. I know in these days the bible says we rise up against each other. I would prefer to rise up with each other. Maybe mom can referee better now between us. I hope so.

I really hate all the phone calls from everyone. I don't want to hear how sorry they are for my loss. My mom was horribly ill. I am absolutely joyful that she got to go home. In some ways I guess I am jealous she left me behind. But I promised the Lord I would never whine again to come home before my time. So I won't. She is finally free. FREE!!! One day we shall all be free. One day.

Friday, February 18, 2005

She is gone

Already the quiet loss has seeped around the edges of my conscience. Moments pass when the emptiness overwhelms me, as tears fall from the corners of my eyes and drop quietly into my lap. I love you momma, I love you momma. The whispered words echo in my mind. Each of us silently, in our own way, accepting the quiet spot in our home that has filled our hearts with love. I wait for a whisper, a sign, something that tells me she is still with me. I know she is. But I long for I don't know what, but something.

Time. We think we have so little, or so much. But what is time? It gives order to chaos. Without it nothing would make sense. But yet it is just a stop to something bigger. A small blip for us to enjoy one another. To learn. There is a bigger picture that most of us are missing. I am just now starting to see the edges of it. One day I will be able to see it all. So much to learn. So much to love. One day I will see it all.

Dear Lord

Thank you for your comfort and strength. Blessed am I to have such love. Grant us peace in chaos, Solice in adversity, and joy when heartbroken. Thank you and Amen.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

My fingers lie quietly upon these keys as my brain is blank as what to write. Then they began moving on their on violition. I sit here listening to the gurgle of momma's breathing trying to not think of the inevitable. She is dying and this very night may be her last. Many times over the last few years we - my brother and I - have thought her close but always knew she still had some kick left in her. She is a survivor. A tough cookie. Or also known as "Sarge" in the days she marched at the Harvey House. But now I look at tired eyes, lifeless pools of color. Arms tender and swollen, black and blue from skin tears, curled close to her breast, fingers closed in a fist. Afraid, yet ready to go, she longs to be gone from this body that has betrayed the strong spirit within.

Again my fingers pause, where to take my rambling thoughts from here. I think rather than reflect on our past, I shall speak of the present. My friend she is. Always there. Always giving. Loving me uncondtionally just as Jesus would want. This time has been the greatest time God, my father, has given me. A time for us to get to know each other. To grow in a way we neaver accomplised in my childhood. A time for me to love and to really feel what this woman has given me. Tears roll down my face, not in sadness though some would mistake it as such. But in love. True heartfelt love for my mother.

The tears ran like rivulets in sadness in the preceeding days and weeks. Anger that she didn't try harder. Frustration because she stopped trying. Resolve that her only wishes are to be healed and have peace. Only one road to the rest she craves. What kind of thoughts and feeling will I have in the future days. I know she is going to a better place. Not just like people say to have something to say when a loved one goes. But truly going to the home Jesus and the Father have prepared. That place that each of us crave whether we know it or not. Our whole life is but a trip to another destination. A different place to explore.

I catch myself everytime I walk in her room watching her chest for that tell-tale sign there is yet a few more breaths of life in a lifeless body. It still rises. Up and down like the tides of the ocean. And my own breath slowly escapes my lips. Not even realizing I was holding it.

I probably won't sleep tonight. Or maybe I will out of exhaustion. The watch has begun I am blessed that I can be here with her. Never alone.

Monday, February 07, 2005

I'm not sure why I called this site Genesis. Exodus would probably have been a better description. A trip through time. A journey from the beginning with no end. Every day it is harder not to cry. My mother is dying and the truth of the matter is setting in. She has been fighting for every minute since her breaking her back in that rehab facility. I knew it would not be many years since I brought her home last December from the nursing home. (a different one than she fell in) But I really thought it would more than what we're getting. I am glad for this time though. I really disliked my mother growing up. We were never close and my family were the enemy. But isn't that true for most teenagers? At least not for mine. If I didn't teach them anything, I managed to let them know how much they are loved. Unconditionally.

Since moving to Florida my mother had become my best friend. We spent a lot of time together shopping, eating, and just enjoying each other's company. Now it is so hard. She is in a trance like state a good bit of the time. She tells me she is staring at herself. I know it won't be long. She says she is tired. She could live longer if she chose to. But she has refused to take her meds for heart problems. It is a complicated relationship between her meds. One affects how much of another she needs to take. It is now just a matter of time for her body to finish shutting down. I get angry and frustrated. I yell at her to try. Or at least I was. Now I sit and hold her hand and I cry as I watch the life and fire dwindle in her eyes. I pray each day for the Lord to change me to what he wants be to be for her. Kind, compassionate, caring, and calm. Patience is a virtue. Less than three weeks ago she feed herself, talk, and use her hands to hold her own drinks. Then BAM! Overnight she can't do anything. I have to feed her and hold her cups for her to drink. I tried to exercise her arms. She yelled at me for hurting her. One day at a time. To love, to think, to hold, to care. My outlook on life is definitely changing. How I look at people, and what I expect from people is changing. So many things to learn. So much taken for granted. I am finally getting what the Lord wants me to learn. What is and isn't important. Thank you Lord for loving me. Thank you for approving of me just the way I am. Thank you for your strength, courage, wisdom, and discernment. Thank you for blessing me and each member of my family. Thank you for keeping us firmly planted upon your path. Thank you for protecting us and watching over us. Thank you for feeding us and providing abundantly to us. Thank you most of all for your son Jesus who saved us. Amen.